Doctor's appointment

Due to some bad luck I had the chance to check out the French health system. This is actually quite well described in the book 'A year in the merde' which I can recommend to anyone who wants a funny story about French culture (it's about this English business guy who works in France for year - at the end he wants to stay).

If you went to the doctor's in France, it could end up like this:

Act 1: The waiting room

Our hero enters an inconspiciously looking building that could be anything from HLM to tobacco storage. He rings the bell and enters.
In the waiting hall, there's a truckload of patients who are doing their best trying to look ill.
"Bonjour."
"Bonjour. Cough, cough."
Everyone's trying to avoid eye-contact, but without trying to be noticed, everyone notices exactly who's coming and going. As there's neither as assistant who calls people in nor any fixed dates, you have to remember who was before you in the queue. But of course you can't just ask who's currently last in the queue because that would spoil this plot.

1h later. There's only 3 people left who came before you and the rest came after you. The doctor calls out the next one. Panic and confusion spread beneath the 3 others.
Patient 1: "Was it me or you?"
Patient 2: "I forgot..."
Patient 3: "I came after you two."
Patient 2: "I really can't remember. Please, go first."
Patient 1: "Thank you."
Patient 4 (who came later): "After you it's me then, right?"

Luckily, our hero could save the situation by a super-fast usage of politeness and self-preservation:
"I'm sorry, I think it's me after him. I arrived before you did."
Patient 4: "Oh."
"Yeah, it's confusing, isn't it?"
Patient 4: "Yes, it is. Why don't we get a number?"

Unknowingly, patient 4 has just ask the most fundamental question of them all, nearly making the French health system collapse.

Act 2: At the doctor's.

The last patient is already at the doctor's. Our hero has strategically put aside his literature he cleverly brought along to spend the afternoon with. As soon as he hears the doctor saying good-bye to the last patient, he jumps up like a leopard to make a point of it being his turn now.
The doctor comes out of his room, a gleaming white light shining from it accompanied by a faint choir of angels in the background. Has all this waiting been in vain?

Doc: "Good afternoon. What can I do for you?"
"[explanation of injury]".
Doc: "OK. First of all, can I see your insurance card?"
"Sure, here it is. I've only got this German one, though."
The doctor, seeing his patient is a foreigner, tries talking English for a few sentences before finding out that his patient is actually a lot better at French than he is at English.
Doc: "OK, now I need your date of birth and your phone number although we'll probably never call you."
"It should be in the database already, I've been to your college who's room is exactly next to this one."
Doc: "Oh, the databases are different. So far, we haven't managed to coordinate them yet."
"All right. It's 06..."

Surprisingly, the actual diagnostic seems to the same as our hero's used to.

Doc: "Hm, doesn't seem to be any broken bones. Still, I'll prescribe you half a ton of medicine and I'd like to get an X-ray to go sure. That'll be 21€, please. Cheques are graciously accepted."

The hero is already looking forward to the Adventure, part II: Getting the German insurance to re-pay me, er, him.

Act 3: Pharmacie

"Hello. I'd like all this, please."
Pharmacist: "Sure. Your green health insurance card, please."
"Oh, I don't have one. I've only got this from my German health insurance."

Panic and confusion. The pharmacist turns to her colleague for help. After some research, they find out I can just pay the 40€ directly and handle the insurance myself.

Pharmacist: "Here you go. Do you need a small truck to carry all of this?"

Act 4: X-Ray

Our hero enters the X-Ray place. To his surprise, the radiologist has an assistant at the entrance.

"Hello. I need an X-ray."
Assistant: "OK. Do you have an appointment?"
"No. Do I need one?"
Assistant: "Yes, I'm afraid so."
"Oh. OK, could I make one and come back?"
Assistant: "Oh no, just wait in the waiting room."
"All right."

Our hero starts unpacking his book to pass the next eternity in the waiting room.
30 seconds later, he gets called in.

Afterwards, he wants to check out.

Assistant: "Can I have your insurance card, please?"
"I've only got this German one."

Panic and confusion.

Assistant: "I'll have to call the doctor."

Doctor: "Don't you have any insurance?"
"Apart from this excellent German one I just showed you, no."
Doctor: "Phew, we'll have to fix this when you come back for your pictures."

Next morning, our hero return for the pictures. The doctors have finally decided that he could just pay directly and handle the insurance himself.
While filling out the cheque, our hero misunderstands the amount and accidentally puts in 1€ less than the actual price.

Doctor: "Oh, you forgot one Euro. Well, never mind."

The hero is baffled.
Doctor: "Here's your piece of paper for the insurance."
"Thanks. Say, why did you sign the paper for me?"
Doctor: "Oh, my assistant thought she'd sign it for you. Do you think your insurance might mind if there's a different signature on this one?"
"Er, yes, I think they would."
Doctor: "OK, we'll make you a new one."

After staying at the doctor's for about the same time as for doing the actual X-ray, our hero returns home with all the necessary papers, knowing that now he has fought and survived the seven-headed monster of bureaucracy in two different countries now.

-- THE END --